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Just a sec!

It’s coming and it will be worth the wait.

I’m in the process of catching up on The Office.

That’s what she said.


The Top Ten Have One Need One Virus Excuses

1. The Macy’s One Day Sale Flu.

2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.

3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.

4. The I’m Looking for a New Job and I Don’t Know How Long It’s Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.

5. The My Boyfriend’s Got the Week Off So Suddenly I’m Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.

6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn’t Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.

7. The There’s No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.

8. The It’s Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I’m a Teenager Again General Ailment.

9. The I’ve Messed Up Royally and I Won’t Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.

10. The I Really Am Sick and I’ve Got The Doctor’s Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.

Best Divorce Letter Ever

Dear Ex-Wife:

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever.  I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.  These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.  Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.  You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.  You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together!  Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.  I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn’t work.  I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.  And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.  About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.  After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

Title This

They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears this is true.

There will always be death and taxes;
However, death doesn’t get worse every year.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I am a nutritional overachiever.
********************* ******

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Practice safe eating — always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

It’s frustrating when you know all the answers,
But nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time,

but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go,
But fat cells live forever.

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom.
Sometimes it comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty,
It also begins to show.

******************* *******
I smile because I am your friend!
I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it.

Ahh, Good Old Dementia

Three  mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a seniors’ home.

When an old grandpa walked by

One of the old grandmas yelled out: “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.” The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”  One of the old grandmas said, “Sure we can!  Just drop your pants and underpants and we can tell your exact age.”  Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.  The grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.  After enjoying themselves, they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”  Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”   Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison…

A Wife’s Rant

This is how he pissed me off today:

Our daughter wanted to brush her teeth like a big girl in his bathroom and he said “I got it” so I asked him to wash her face while he was at it. I usually wash her face in the kitchen sink… LOL. So I look over and he’s about to ‘wipe’ her face with a Cottonelle Butt Wipe from behind his toilet.

I mean, I don’t know, maybe I overreacted but I go out of my way making sure I get organic, alcohol free, dye free, fragrance free.. etc… stuff… and he’s about to wipe her face with an ASSWIPE. Not a baby wipe. An Adult ASSWIPE.

His argument was that an A$$ is much more delicate than a face and therefore it’s fine.

What Made Me Special

Did you know that when I was in elementary school a teacher wanted to put me in a ‘special’ class????

So, my dad told me this again the other day and I was like “What kind of special class???” and my mom was trying to be nice and was saying “Well, you were shy, like a special class for shy kids” and I was like “There’s no such thing” and I kept inquiring until my dad shouted out “A special class… for RETARDS”…

Of course my parents refused, thank god… Can you imagine if they let them put me in a learning disabled class only because I was shy???? I freaking got A’s and B’s in school for God’s sake… I have a college degree!!!! LOLOL. Can you imagine if that chain of events would have led to my career of flipping burgers at Wendy’s????

Jane and Arlene

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

‘Doesn’t matter, Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’