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BOB

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says, ‘Hey, Bob! How ya doin?’
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

‘Oh no,’ says Bob. ‘He’s in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob  if he’d  like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His  wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ‘How did she know  that you drink Budweiser?’
‘I  recognize her; she’s the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.’
A  stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,  starts to
rub herself all over him and  says,

‘Hi Bobby.  Want  your usual table dance, big  boy?’
Bob’s  wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the  club..
Bob follows and spots her getting into a  cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside  her..

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for  someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is  screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word  in the book.
The cabby turns around and  says, ‘Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this  time.’

BOB’s funeral will be on Saturday.

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Saskatchewan Love Story

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.  She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.”He replied, “That’s alright; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a Honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off His towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, “That was incredible!”

He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along.”

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end. She did laps in freestyle, breast-stroke, even butterfly!
After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing heavy. He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”

No, she said, “Well, here’s your chance to know about me. I was a hooker in Saskatoon and I worked both sides of the river swimming to and from each side.”

HOW IS NORMA?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”

The grandmother said, “Thank you.That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me sh*t.”

TRUE STORY

And, That’s How

1/2 Century Mark Birthday 2010

In honor of one of my dear friend’s fiftieth birthday, I posted this for her.

This is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 50:

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, ‘What are you thinking?’ She doesn’t care what you think.

If a woman over 50 doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it’s usually more interesting.

Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have t o confess your sins to a woman over 50.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest.. They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.

For all those men who say, ‘Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Here’s an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage..Why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Don’t Miss the True Miracle

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning…

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. ‘Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.’
‘I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.’

‘I agree,’ says the Father. ‘Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?’ ‘Anything, Father.’ ‘I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.’

‘Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.’ The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

‘Sister, would you mind if I touched them?’ She consented. He fondled them for a while. ‘Father, could I ask something of you?’ ‘Yes, Sister?’

‘I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?’ ‘I suppose that would be OK,’ the Priest replied lifting his robe. ‘Oh Father, may I touch it?’ The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

‘Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.’

‘Is that true Father?’ ‘Yes, it is, Sister.’

‘Oh Father, that’s wonderful… stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!’

Twas the Night with a Twist

‘Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house

Tiger Woods came a flyin’, chased by his spouse.

She wielded a nine iron and wasn’t too merry,

Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.

He’d been cheatin’ on Elin, and the story progressed.

Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,

With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,

Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,

When not in their pants, he was sendin’ them texts.

Despite all his cryin’ and beggin’ and pleadin’,

Tiger’s wife went investin’ — a new home in Sweden .

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,

“If you’re gettin’ laid then I’m gettin’ paid.”

She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,

Her pre-nup made Christmas come early this year.