SAY WHATEVER I LIKE
Enter at your own risk. If you know us at all in any way, there's a great possibility you may find something about yourself on this site.What Made Me Special
Did you know that when I was in elementary school a teacher wanted to put me in a ‘special’ class????
So, my dad told me this again the other day and I was like “What kind of special class???” and my mom was trying to be nice and was saying “Well, you were shy, like a special class for shy kids” and I was like “There’s no such thing” and I kept inquiring until my dad shouted out “A special class… for RETARDS”…
Of course my parents refused, thank god… Can you imagine if they let them put me in a learning disabled class only because I was shy???? I freaking got A’s and B’s in school for God’s sake… I have a college degree!!!! LOLOL. Can you imagine if that chain of events would have led to my career of flipping burgers at Wendy’s????
Jane and Arlene
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
‘Doesn’t matter, Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’
BOB
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, ‘Hey, Bob! How ya doin?’
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
‘Oh no,’ says Bob. ‘He’s in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ‘How did she know that you drink Budweiser?’
‘I recognize her; she’s the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.’
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
‘Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?’
Bob’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club..
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her..
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, ‘Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.’
BOB’s funeral will be on Saturday.
Saskatchewan Love Story
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.”He replied, “That’s alright; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a Honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off His towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, “That was incredible!”
He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end. She did laps in freestyle, breast-stroke, even butterfly!
After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing heavy. He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
No, she said, “Well, here’s your chance to know about me. I was a hooker in Saskatoon and I worked both sides of the river swimming to and from each side.”
HOW IS NORMA?
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”
The grandmother said, “Thank you.That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me sh*t.”
TRUE STORY
