SAY WHATEVER I LIKE
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It’s coming and it will be worth the wait.
I’m in the process of catching up on The Office.
That’s what she said.
The Top Ten Have One Need One Virus Excuses
1. The Macy’s One Day Sale Flu.
2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.
3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.
4. The I’m Looking for a New Job and I Don’t Know How Long It’s Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.
5. The My Boyfriend’s Got the Week Off So Suddenly I’m Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.
6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn’t Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.
7. The There’s No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.
8. The It’s Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I’m a Teenager Again General Ailment.
9. The I’ve Messed Up Royally and I Won’t Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.
10. The I Really Am Sick and I’ve Got The Doctor’s Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.
Best Divorce Letter Ever
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Title This
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
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An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears this is true.
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There will always be death and taxes;
However, death doesn’t get worse every year.
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In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
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I am a nutritional overachiever.
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I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
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Practice safe eating — always use condiments.
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A day without sunshine is like night.
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It’s frustrating when you know all the answers,
But nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
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The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
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Brain cells come and brain cells go,
But fat cells live forever.
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Age doesn’t always bring wisdom.
Sometimes it comes alone.
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Life not only begins at forty,
It also begins to show.
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I smile because I am your friend!
I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it.
Ahh, Good Old Dementia
Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a seniors’ home.
When an old grandpa walked by
One of the old grandmas yelled out: “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.” The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.” One of the old grandmas said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and underpants and we can tell your exact age.” Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. After enjoying themselves, they all piped up and said, ”You’re 87 years old!” Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?” Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison…
A Wife’s Rant
This is how he pissed me off today:
Our daughter wanted to brush her teeth like a big girl in his bathroom and he said “I got it” so I asked him to wash her face while he was at it. I usually wash her face in the kitchen sink… LOL. So I look over and he’s about to ‘wipe’ her face with a Cottonelle Butt Wipe from behind his toilet.
I mean, I don’t know, maybe I overreacted but I go out of my way making sure I get organic, alcohol free, dye free, fragrance free.. etc… stuff… and he’s about to wipe her face with an ASSWIPE. Not a baby wipe. An Adult ASSWIPE.
His argument was that an A$$ is much more delicate than a face and therefore it’s fine.
